How to Make Coffee


1) Walk into kitchen, scratch head and yawn.

2) Open refrigerator door and look for something. It doesn’t matter what, because you don’t yet know what you are looking for.

3) Close refrigerator and open freezer door. Stare into freezer until the escaping cold starts numbing your toes and you remember what you are looking for.

4) Take coffee out of freezer and put it on the counter.

5) Get coffee filter and put it into appropriate recepticle in coffee machine.

6) Put coffee beans in filter.

7) Pour water into coffee pot.

8) Close freezer door.

9) Notice that the coffee beans seem a bit coarse, remove them from the filter and put them into the grinder.

10) Grind beans by placing one hand over your ears and the other on the grinder. Note that the whine from the grinder is just as painful, no matter which ear your hand covers.

11) Pour beans into coffee pot. Stare in fascination as the brown specs float on the water.

12) Repeat steps 1 through 10, and skip step 11. This time pour beans into filter.

13) Place filter on top of coffee pot, and place both into coffee machine.

14) Go to front door and begin search for newspaper. Search in all of the common places including under the car, in the bushes, and on the roof.

15) Having searched unsuccessfully, you may now go inside, secure in the knowledge that the paper will soon arrive.

16) Get coffee cup from dish washer.

17) Wash coffee cup, but don’t start dish washer. It’s too noisy.

18) Stare at coffee maker willing coffee to appear.

19) When this gets too boring, turn coffee maker on.

20) Repeat search for newspaper.

21) Sit down at table and start rereading yesterday’s newspaper.

22) Check the clock and realize you are running out of time. Race to your bedroom and rapidly get dressed for work.

23) Leave house, get in car, and start driving to work. Observe paper delivery car coming from other direction.

24) As you are waiting in line to get on the freeway, remember that you forgot to turn off the coffee machine and never did get a cup of coffee.

25) Call your wife on your cellular phone. Note with detached disinterest that phone doesn’t answer. Speculate on the odds that the coffee maker will ignite and burn down the house.

26) Continue to work, and buy lousey coffee from a machine.

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